Who has a problem

Do you know a person who has a problem such as gambling, drinking too much or over eating?

The question I have for you is “Does that person actually know they have the problem?” Before you automatically say yes, think about it for a moment.
I remember a client coming to my clinic with anxiety. One of the things she said that caused her anxiety was her son’s gambling issue. When I asked her what she had done to address the issue with her son, she said that he denied having a gambling problem. When a person says they do not have a problem, I would suggest you believe them.

In considering this you may think:

  • It is affecting the family so they must know they have a problem!
  • They are consciously stealing from my wallet and so logically they would be aware they have an issue!
  • The person is a liar and so how can I believe them?

What I say to you is, go with the idea that if they don’t say they have a problem, then assume they do not believe they have a problem. Therefore, this means that you have a problem if their behaviour is impacting you.
So what can you do about this? Usually when you are seeing a problem and want to help them fix it, the need to fix it is due to you having concern or experiencing anxiety around it. To overcome this, firstly recognise that you have a choice to make. You can either keep the problem of their behaviour impacting you, or you can accept that is what they do.
Next, to help the other person you need to help them discover they have an issue. Usually with gambling or drinking, it is difficult to make the person realise they have an issue, because their beliefs, values, attitudes and experiences may not allow them to see it. So, you need to give them a different problem so they will get help to change.

Here is an example of giving them a different problem that will help them to recognise they need to change. Let’s take a person with a gambling problem:

  • First, assuming they do not say they have a problem and so are not getting help. You decide on a task that you do for the person that you can stop doing, such as cooking dinner, driving them places, washing their clothes, etc.
  • Explain to the person that even though they say they do not have an issue, you tell them you are being impacted by their behaviour of spending money at the pokies, horses, TAB or whatever the place is, and that you do not believe that this is behaviour is beneficial for you, the family or them.
  • Then tell them you want a respectful and trusting relationship with this person and for this to occur you need them to get help to stop their unhelpful behaviour.
  • You next tell them you are going to stop doing the task you identified above, until they get help. Then you will re-evaluate the situation to decide whether to re-start doing the tasks that you are stopping.

Be aware that if you are a feeling person this process does not help you to feel comfortable. However, if you want another person to make changes, then you need to give them a problem that causes them to create positive and long term change. This process can be very uncomfortable.
If you need help in the areas of anxiety, gambling or drinking, then get the help you need. You can call me on 0419 517 716 and we can chat on the phone to see how I can assist with creating positive change through Hypnotherapy or NLP Coaching. Alternatively, you can book a session via: www.teoh.gettimely.com.

Take control of your life and create positive success.
David Donahoo
Communications Coach, NLP Trainer and Hypnotherapist

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